Imagine my glee when Mrs Roastpotato texted to tell me she’d managed to secure a reservation for the hottest ticket in town: Morrisons Café in Maldon. We’ve been on the phone every day for weeks trying to get in, but it was always engaged, or when we did finally manage to get through it was fully booked.
It’s one of those swanky places with an obscure entrance: you walk through a supermarket, past busy shoppers, and then you glance out of the corner of your eye a queue of old people smelling faintly of wee. This is how the other half live, you think. You join the exclusive line and make your choices. It’s no ordinary menu-waiter style establishment, but instead you walk past a grand plaque pictorially displaying today’s epicurean delights. There was no hesitation for me, I’d heard wonderful tales of the delicate spicing and exotic ingredients used in their curry by Laissez Fare and BapSHOUT so that was my meal decided. Meanwhile Mrs Roastpotato went for le petit déjeuner d’anglais complet. The maitre’d (I think her name was Sharon) was effortless, taking my order without a word. Literally. Order placed, we took our plastic seats among the busy tables. This was definitely the place to be, it was heaving.
First up was the amuse bouche, a ’round’ of toast (it wasn’t round at all, it was square – so witty!) marinated in butter. This was tasty though a little damp, and flecked with black. I might attempt this one at home myself. While waiting for our mains, I took in our surroundings. I was gazed upon by a kindly old man, reinforcing the genuine and friendly nature of the warm decor.
Not a moment too soon, our plates arrived. The gimmick here is they are more thrown at you – I think it’s an Olympic discus thing ready for 2012 – landing in front of you with a tremendous clatter. Such theatre! Equally fascinating is having to choose the cutlery yourself from a selection of different stainless steel instruments. I think they were trying to catch out the naifs by leaving out all different shaped and sized forks. Luckily I’m experienced in such matters and was able to choose appropriate silverware for my dish.
And there it is, the chicken tikka masala. I could hardly wait. Vibrant and orange, I knew I was in for a treat. I wasn’t disappointed. Thick without being creamy, lightly spiced while simultaneously not tasting of much at all. It takes some skill to achieve that blend of flavours. The meat was stringy and unyielding, equally raised to perfection. Accompanied by skillfully steamed rice (essence of microwave perhaps?) and a naan resembling a pillow (because you will need to sleep after this feast), this was a perfect example of how to reheat a curry in the authentic supermarket way.
Would I go again? Yes.
5,000 stars out of 10
Situated in the Cressing Temple site, you couldn’t ask for a more picturesque and homely setting for a local event. There were plenty of stalls with a wide variety of craft and produce available. There were characterful jams and chutneys sold in attractive jute bags; pies of all distinction; cheeses of all provenance; meat and fish alive alive-o. The highlights for me were thankfully quite numerous. First to catch my eye was the hog-in-a-roll; the whole pig barbecued in the background while a genial chap shovels shredded pork into a floury bun and slides a wedge of stuffing in the side. Really meaty and the chew of crackling really makes a joyful crisp in the mouth. I also grinned at the scallops cooked to order with a pile of homemade pesto on the side. The smell was utterly intoxicating. Another fine memory was seeing a flourishing and nourishing Indian snack stall; after passing through rows of bangers and pies this feels incongruous, but how many of us don’t now consider Indian cuisine very much part of our own? Sharing a spicy samosa, my son and I certainly weren’t fussed about any feelings of whether it fitted or not.
I also sampled some turkey sausages which were absolutely out of this world, unfortunately I was very nearly broke by this point to investigate further! I was also happy to see a game stall; only that morning I’d seen a pigeon recipe and was tickled by the sight of pigeon burgers. I splurged on some venison steaks, a treat for some helpful in-laws. I am also a complete sucker for a gorgeous cupcake, moist of crumb and swirly of gritty buttercream. See this glorious example picture, which I had to sit down to savour.
Though the little one with us was sure to eat an adult’s portion, I asked for a child’s menu anyway because I’d heard they were unique. Indeed they are – 80s Viewmasters! Though the pictures are cute bafflingly there are no descriptions on any of them, so you’ve no idea what’s being ordered. The menus themselves are large and full of cheeky Jamie-isms as you might expect.
Immediately we ordered olives, being a firm favourite of my family. Described as ‘best olives’, that was certainly an apt description. Rich, plump green beauties with a meaty, almost parmesan-y tones. Set over ice and accompanied by ‘music bread’ – whatever that is – and olive tapenade, these truly were the best olives. Incredible.
Following from that we had a plate of meat antipasto and veg antipasto between the four of us. Antipasto always gets me giddy, I love courses where you can pick and nibble at different bits and pieces. These were an absolute triumph, laid on breadboards set atop two upturned tins of tomatoes. Wafer thin San Daniele ham, salty prosciutto, chewy mortadella… the meats alone were of the highest quality. Yet another fat olive and curiously plump capers finished this section off. There’s a cheese in the middle I can’t recall, but reminded me of manchego with membrillo. There was a tangy side dish of pickled carrot and beetroot which was just the right counterpoint. To leave the best til last, the mozzarella was the finest we had ever tasted. A paper-thin crust held a ball of soft creamy cheese that oozed in the mouth. Utter heaven. On the veg side there were some pleasing mixed mediterranean bits – courgette, artichoke etc – that were also delicious.
We then had an array of mains: lamb lollipops acheived that great combination of fun and tasty, with an array of dips; sweet potato lasagne that was warm and soothing; bolognese proclaimed to be “the best ever”; while I went for soft-shell crab. These were writhing great monsters, apologies for the dodgy pic but I was in a hurry to devour them. They were sweet and crispy and tasty, a real treat. If I had one complaint, it would be that there’s almost too much of it – even with my massive appetite I had out-crabbed myself – there were two whole crabs to nibble! In all the mains were incredibly satisfying, especially when paired with wilted greens and balsamic chickpeas.
